Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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