There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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