Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
