just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
