OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
