I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
