Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
