So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
