We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
