i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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