The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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