More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
