Well douche your snatch and let's go!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
