Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
