I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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