I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
