Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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