Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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