you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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