I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
