You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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