Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
