I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
