Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
