So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
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Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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