I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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