I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
