I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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