I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
