First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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