my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
