And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
