If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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