i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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