Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
