I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
