I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
