you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize