so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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