Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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