My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
