i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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