I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
