I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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