don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
