Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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