My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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