I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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