My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
