Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
How external is "for external use only"?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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