just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
