every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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