sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
