My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
