I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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