If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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