My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
