My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
