There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
