in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
